This past week was a bit of a wild ride. Problems erupting that sent our worries over the edge about or mortgage and financial picture had me so worked up that I felt the need to dip into the prescription my doctor had given me about 3 months ago when I felt this type of anxiety and subsequent forms of depression creeping back into me. Well, actually, this stuff didn't creep, it came barreling in and just about knocked me for a loop.
Thankfully, the xanax did what it was made to do - brought me enough calmness that I could function without totally blowing up at everyone around me and being able to stop and try to think things through in a calmer, much more logical fashion.
It took a few days - a lot of fears and tears surfacing too in the process -but we did finally manage to pull ourselves together to the point we are very near to acquiring the amount needed now to get the mortgage out of arrears and start the new year off on not a great footing, but at least on somewhat level playing field. The hard part will be adhering to what is needed - good communications for openers between Mandy and me when things are slipping a bit so we can work to keep that from getting out of control. I firmly believe we can do this and get bills paid so not are they current but paid off in some instances.
But today, although when I awoke this morning, I felt fine as the day passed and night came, I started getting that sick feeling - not nausea or anything like that - but a nervous tension I know all too well now from years of coping with depression. It was coming back and I don't want to be here welcoming it with open arms. I want to get a grip on it now, tell it to be gone - or as said in MacBeth -"Out damned spot out I say!"
I need to do some things to break out of some of my cycles that sometimes put me in this position - my disorganizational abilities need to at least be curbed if not remedied to the point that they are gone and I definitely need to stop procrastinating! It's been a while since I started writing the little articles I do for the West Branch Review and in the beginning and really, for the first year and a little over that, when Teresa gave me a suggestion for a topic for an article, she knew I would knock myself out and have it to her well before the deadline she had put in most cases. Once in a while I would have something that I cut close to the wire, but generally I had a good grasp on what I wanted to put in my piece and where to go for my story information too. That's something I haven't been doing for over a year now - part of that comes from picking up some of Teresa's style of putting off and putting off but I can't say it is her fault because I am the one responsible for this, not her. I am the one who can regain the control over that part of my writing and I need to really sit down and take the time - organize my time itself better - to work on those things.
But that isn't the thing that caused me to start floating in a downhill direction today. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can put a finger on that is bringing this uncomfortable feeling back into my life, into my mind. So how do I tackle this when it is still basically an unknown causing this?
My first response -to those who don't believe in the power of one substance - may seem far fetched to them, but to others, who like me, do believe in a Higher Power, I shall make sure I pray for mine to come and take charge of my problems.
That doesn't mean I am copping out. It just means they are stronger than I am now, they are trying to drag me down and if I place my faith in my Higher Power, He will then guide me, lead me where I need to be and I will once again be on a firm ground and can then handle things from there.
I need to stop worrying and remember how to "THINK" - clearly, logically, looking at more than what I currently see as the only path and not be rigid in my concepts there. I must unloose those chains starting to try to tangle me up in them that can, if not brought into check now, take months, even years, to eliminate them and return me to a good, calm and peaceful frame of mind.
I need to revert back to taking all the pleasure I can from the smallest things that life brings that are good and beautiful and give so much pleasure to me when I let it - my family! I need to breathe deeply, let the beauty of my grandchildren saturate me once more -let their sweetness their beauty, angelic looks (when behind some of their actions and in their eyes, you can see the devilish looks shining through) and enjoy these things for the short time they last too! All too quickly, they will be so much older and those sights and feelings of joy and pleasure from just being able to sit and stare at them and sense what a wonder God has given to my children and to me with these grandchildren.
I have very little with which to do special things with them - the things they might enjoy that do cost a lot of money - but if I think about this in the true, proper and pure manner I should be employing, I will return to the realization that the best things in life are really free and for me, that is simply watching them grow and remembering how Kurtis changed this day or Maya on that day and recording that so I can return later and remind myself how beautiful this was to watch them unfold, little by little, into the best and most loving children they can possibly be.
To have them give hugs, kisses, nose rubs - there are some of the greatest gifts God can ever give us and even more special when they come from the heart of a little child. It carries us a much longer way ultimately, than would buying an expensive toy and have the child tire of it in less than a day.
It returns the joy of life, of seeing, hearing, sensing, knowing this is the best thing God has ever given directly to me, to my life, and I need to remember how short and fragile the moments are and to file them in my mind (and in my journal) to remember them now and for always.