Friday, October 06, 2006

Clearing Out The Baggage

Clearing out the baggage
Some days, the thoughts of what I should have done vs. what I have done or what I need to do now seem to overwhelm me.

Take this week for example - please, yes, TAKE IT!

For openers, my lovely ex-husband is here for a week's visit with the kids and to enable him to meet his newest grandchild, get slightly acquainted with the other two grandkids and generally, have an enjoyable time in central Pennsylvania. Yep, it's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania, isn' t it?

Well, maybe some place else in central Pennsylvania but not exactly so in my mind at the moment.

Right now, I'm back to my old methods of wondering just what the hell is wrong with me!

Happens everytime the ex shows up so you'd think I'd be accustomed to dealing with this side of my mental outlook but nope, never falls on that side of the street.

I start questioning just about every freaking move I've ever made - from graduating high school, through completing college (32 years later!) to where I went wrong with my marriage, my kids, my jobs, my lack of ever establishing a "career" too! You name it, if I've done it or taken a stab at it, there it is coming back to haunt me all over again!

Guilt tripping all over the place is probably a more accurate term for these feelings.

And, it is this aspect, plus the idea that maybe someday I can be something or someone who is at least semi-successful. My current goal in that realm is writing.

I like to try to write - let's put it that way.

There's a small, local "monthly" publication that I usually contribute at least one article to - sometimes two or three, depending on the them or the ideas floating through my pea brain when each issue is due to come out.

I use the term "Monthly publication" quite loosely here though. The editor/publisher is the only person I know who is on par with me with respect to disorganization and procrastination. If anything, she maybe has me beat on both subjects and that's no easy task to do, I might add, as I am very adept at procrastionation as well as being totally disorganized.

I used to be able to get a bunch of things coordinated, organized, completed simultaneously, but no more. I don't know if that is age-related that I am quickly loosing my abilities there or if there is something else at play within me that keeps me going on the current path to nowhere.

Last night, I was slightly jacked because my son, daughter, son-in-law all went out for a few hours in the evening to revel with Dad and left me to my own devices here at the homestead to care for the two little ones I lay claim to as my grandchildren. No one ever thinks that maybe Gram could use some social time too but rather that I am the willing caretaker who will always stay home with the kids!

Ok - I suppose you could say I had my day -or days - in the sun many years ago and they should be completely sustaining for me today now too. Ah, the memories! When was it that I was free as a bird? Damned if I can remember exactly when that was now but I think it was while I was in high school!

So many things that are bridges still uncrossed and no time, no ability for that matter, seems to make getting to those bridges and making the passage available to me today.

And yet, since I am not dead yet (I don't think I am anyway) there must be someway, somehow, that I can do SOMETHING viable, something creative, but what?

That's my question for today. What can I do, what great things am I still capable of completing?

Maybe the more I blog, the sooner some answers will come to me.

We shall see.

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