Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Cue or a Clue?

Excuse me while I ramble a bit today but my mind's been and still is, more than a bit discombobulated, I guess you could say.

This song, one of my all-time favorites by the Beatles, really expresses a lot of what I'm feeling of late.

Why? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's the repetition of things about "younger days" ya know and the realization that I'm a long way from those days now. The aging process is not for the weak and weary nor the fainthearted, is it?

Most of the time, I have been able to deal with a lot of stuff in my life by simply putting it out of my mind. Stuffing it way in the back, filling that space with all kinds of other things that kept me busy, occupied and well, out of trouble in that respect.

But lately, it does seem that it keeps pushing forward, knocking all the good and positive moves and thoughts aside and totally crowding them out.

And, I confess that I really do hate when that happens.

It just totally buggers up the system, the works, the mind, the peace I like to have around me.

One thing that has been annoying me lately -a lot -is that as I move closer and closer to the end of my little line, there aren't many things I've often wanted to do that I have actually ever managed to accomplish.

Remember that great movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman -"The Bucket List" -well, that's pretty much what has been taking up a lot of space lately. No, not the movie itself, but rather the idea put forth in that movie.

Have a dream and go for it!

But how do you counter with that when those dreams are now totally out of reach?

I've accomplished only a couple of things that I think were probably on my "Bucket List" -if indeed I had one of those things way back when or even all along in my life.

I always wanted to get married and have a family and yes, been there, done that. I have three grown children who, most of the time, are pretty darned great. Yeah, every now and again there are slip-ups, issues here and there with this or that one, but for the most part, I have to say they are pretty good kids, considering how they were raised, ya know. The family was and still is more than a bit dysfunctional -what with being raised by a single parent. (One of the favorite lines often stated by all three of my kids is "How do you spell 'dysfunctional'?" And their standard answer to that question is "Ertmer!"

Now, I have exceeded my Bucket List with respect to having a family in that I now have three beautiful, very intelligent, completely awesome grandchildren -Alex, Maya and Kurtis -and I couldn't have been better blessed if I had put in a request for grandkids and had given directions as to how to make those little people be the best! They are, all three of 'em, the greatest, simply the greatest. I am truly blessed to have them in my life today of that there is no doubt.

One of the other things that I believe was on my early list was the desire to go to college, to get a degree in some field that was of high interest to me and one that I believed would also help me to reach other goals in life -like solid employment, for openers.

And yes, although it took me a long, long time to get myself into college and though I completed my degree in four years and am proud of that accomplishment, as things turned out, what should have been something that sparked me onward and upward, things never materialized quite in that manner for me. I was never able to get myself hired in any type of work that actually utilized my degree as such and that has always been a huge disappointment to me.

I don't know if my resume was such that it didn't call attention well enough to my strengths or if it was that I didn't know anyone to put in a good word here and there maybe for me, or if it was the tell-tale signs of my age that are difficult to hide in a resume at times, but for the nine years after my graduation when I responded to open jobs in my field, it sure seemed like I couldn't even have paid someone to give me an interview, much less hire me.

And you know, after a while, especially that amount of time passing by when you don't have all that much time to begin with then, it does become really depressing to try to combat those feelings that all point to a very low self-worth in the end.

Don't get me wrong now, as I don't really regret having gone to college, having borrowed student loans to get myself through school, having that degree to point to on my resume. Nope! Not in the least do I regret that as regardless of the outcome in terms of finding gainful employment, I still do have the education and no one can ever take that away from me! It's still there, lurking about somewhere in my pea-brain, just searching for a way to become a useful entity in my life.

Another thing I often had dreams about when I was younger -in those good old days -was the desire to travel, to see the beautiful country I call home, to see a few points around the world as well -like traveling to Sweden and Scotland for openers to see the lands where my ancestors were born. Always wanted to do that and today, I'd still love to see those places but unless I begin to play the lottery and manage to hit it big time, those dreams are never going to come to fruition. Not in my wildest dreams will they ever happen unless, lottery aside, I could get hired as some kind of paid companion to accompany some really nice, kind-hearted, generous to a fault, wealthy individual who thought my communication skills and sparkling conversations would be a skill worthy of their having me accompany them to places hither, thither and yon.

After surveying in my mind the people I know, the probability of ever encountering a soul such as the type described above, well we can write that idea off completely! Just ain't ever gonna happen is it?

Why though am I today voicing some of these things, these dreams that have gone bust, or thoughts that just keep coming forward and which seem to be hell-bent on ruining my quest for simple peace of mind?

Mainly because if I don't begin to talk about these things in some way, to bring them forward, they will keep eating away at my innards and ultimately, will erase any positivity I might have left in the back of my mind.

So, as I listen to George, Paul, John and Ringo in their song, at least the melody is cheerful and the words -well, they are pretty straight-forward and do describe my feelings much of the time to a tee too! Funny thing though but my favorite Beatles song was always "Yesterday" but that one while still high on my list of favorites, maybe is too melancholy for me to listen to and take any comfort from it at this point in time.

I dunno.

I keep telling myself something else I have often repeated over and over in my mind over the years -"This too shall pass!" And, yes, I still do believe that is the truth but maybe I'm just getting way too impatient today waiting for it all to pass.

Or then again, maybe it has -like my life -pretty much all passed me by already.


Sandee said...

Well what is on your bucket list that you can do? That's where I would focus some thought.

I agree that getting old is not for the weak at heart.

Have a terrific day. Big hug. :)

Linda said...

Ah, Jeni, I know exactly how you feel lately. It just seems like time keeps marching relentlessly on and there are so many things that I would have liked to do that no longer seem like I'll ever be able to do.

Honestly, if someone had told me years ago that I was going to be a divorced twice single mother working as a 911 dispatcher I probably would have laughed my head off - and then taken every step possible to make sure that NEVER happened! Unfortunately, though, no one ever told me!

If I stop and think about it, my life really isn't bad by any stretch of the imagination but there are times when it feels like it's totally missing something or maybe someone. It really would have been nice to have someone love me like I was special but alas, that's apparently not going to happen in this lifetime. Thankfully I can fully function without a man in my life but there are times when it would be really nice to have a hand to hold or a chest to snuggle on or to watch a sappy movie with or ... well, you know what I mean!

I don't have a Bucket List, can't think that I ever really did, but maybe I should make one and put some realistic things on it so that I could maybe start checking them off and not feel so much like life is passing me by and I'm missing it.

I'm hoping there's still a few good years left in us old chickens!

Maggie May said...

I also love that Beatle song.

Jeni..... how can you say that you never achieved anything?
Look at the way you're bringing up those lovely grandchildren and managing the problems they have. You are the right person to do that.
Then look at the wonderful gift you have with the embroidery.
You will be leaving quite a few really brilliant things behind you.
But hold on..... you're not going anywhere yet!

I really get my days like this too but in the end..... being there for your grandchildren is a very major thing in life.
I never went to Uni either and I badly wanted to go to Art School... but my life would have taken quite a different turn if I had. I am glad to be where I am now.

You are also a fighter and have been through some bad things with your health and come out STRONG. Don't forget that.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

fermicat said...

I hope that life surprises you and that you'll get to do some of those things from your bucket list that seem out of reach now. You never give up - a quality that I admire in you - so don't give up on those dreams. You never know what the future holds...

terri said...

Jeni, I never would have guessed that you would feel this way. You always seem so invested in your life as it is. It seems like you simply embrace everything that makes your life what it is, and that is something I've always admired about you. Always felt a little bit jealous too of your ability to appreciate all the things in your life - church, your neighborhood, family, your ancestry, etc.

But I don't think you're alone in wishing for things that seem out of reach. We all do that. Life never seems to work out quite like we planned, does it?

Anyway, I hope it helps to have shared your frustrations and hope you're feeling better about things soon.