Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Blahs -or is it "The Blues?"

I don't know why but lately I'm just not into ANYTHING. My energy levels are in dire need of some amphetimines -send some dexitrin or deximil or whatever the new drug of choice is for a quick high! (I could really go for a nice "Christmas Tree.") I know part of the problem is my sleep pattern -which is basically non-existant but it isn't really that I don't get sleep - just don't get enough straight through to do any real good.

But I don't have any zip about other things now either. I have no desire to cook or bake and if I didn't have to cook supper most every day for the family, I would or could be perfectly content to live on eating toasted bagels with butter and cream cheese and follow that meal with a couple of peanut butter eggs for dessert. Maybe if I just ate the bagels and topping and skipped eating supper (on the days I actually do cook), it would provide some weight loss -much needed weight loss I might add -and that might perk me up a little bit then. The girth is something that does drag me down a good bit - literally and figuratively.

I read the blogs on my reader and even though I rarely read a post I don't enjoy, I don't usually have any impetus to post a comment. So not like me to do that! Usually, other bloggers probably cringe when they see my name on a comment as writing a mini-novel in the comments section sometimes does seem to appeal to me.

Even writing posts doesn't hold any real appeal to me a lot of the time. Other than trying to figure a way to tie in something to some cute picture of my grandkids or some comment Miss Maya made yesterday or the day before, I'm just not there, for lack of a better way to describe it.

I'm bored. I'm broke most of the time -except for about around the 3rd of every month and for may up to two or three days after that date. (That's when my SS check arrives ya know.) I know too part of my problem stems from another factor, one that I deal with periodically -it has it ebbs and flows -and that's depression.

I have a new health concern now -which I had hoped I would have some more idea as to what is going on, what my doctor recommends - by now, but I don't. I had an appointment last week with a surgeon -had to see him because my routine CAT scan revealed I have a hernia. He's not sure if doing surgery to repair the hernia is the best route to take since he says they frequently return when one has a colostomy - or if maybe doing a reversal of the colostomy might be the better choice to make. Either way, it's going to involve I guess some major abdominal surgery and I really don't want to go through that again either.

I'm a recluse too and that depresses me and yet, there aren't many things that will get me forced into dragging my fat self out of the house and into the public much of the time. I've not always been reclusive -used to love to just pick up and go, whenever, wherever I wanted to go -well, within a lot of boundaries placed there always by economics. God, I HATE economics! Well, mainly I just hate being financially repressed and stressed all my damned life.

I am depressed because I am unable to work now. No, that's not totally true as there are some things I think I could do however, finding an employer who would allow me to try to work at some of the things I am capable of doing -well, that's the real depressing thing there! In this area, the only employers who think I have a talent to do anything in their place are those who would require that I be able to be very physically active and that, well that I CAN'T do! I have physical issues that do interfere in that respect. I'd like to think I can still think, still function somewhat, semi-intellectually, that I have some modicum of intelligence still left in my pea brain but apparently that aspect all left me many, many years ago. Apparently it left me before I managed to go to college, get a B.S. at the grand old age of 50 but because most of my work experience prior to going to college involved either lovely food service or menial office work, how could I possibly be expected then to be qualified to use this lovely degree I'd acquired -at massive expense covered by massive student loans too! That is a really bitter pill for me to swallow -well it was after I graduated in 1994 and 14 years later, the bitterness still has not dissipated for me. But no, of course, there is no such thing as Age discrimination is there?

My social life - never one to set the world on fire to begin with - is totally non-existent these days. The last relationship I had ended 10 years ago this year and to be honest, there isn't a day that goes by, still, that I don't think about him and wonder what the hell happened there? Now, with the medical issues I have had over the past five years, the weight problems, even the sleep issues too that contribute much, I know, to my general feelings -physical and emotional alike -much as I'd like to be able to meet someone and even just have a friendship-relationship -nothing more than that - there's never been anyone in this area, in the village, the township or even within the county -that is now or was interested in the past in cultivating that type of relationship with me. (That's gospel there -every relationship I ever had was with someone from well away from this area!)

There is a term for some of these feelings - I can't remember now the name of the theory but it's a psychological theory posited years ago by some shrink, that some people believe this, therefore this will happen, then that will happen. Ok, I just remembered the name of the theory - the "ABC Theory" just can't remember the name of the guy who wrote it up. (I need to dig out some of my old textbooks and re-read his position about that I guess.)

Don't get me wrong when I say this -those of you who have been reading my blog know how I feel about my grandchildren - especially Miss Maya and the little Duke, Kurtis too - as well as my older grandson and my kids too - I love each of them dearly, would do anything within my power to help them in any way possible too. But -yeah, there's always a freaking "but" to everything, isn't there -part of me says to me "Isn't there maybe just a little bit more to life too?"

Tonight, I saw while reading my faves that one of my all-time favorite bloggers has gone into seclusion -took done her blog, she did! I hate to see that happen because she's been one of the bloggers who has been with me shortly after I started my blog and I really enjoy her place. She's the only fellow blogger I've ever spoken to on the phone too - well actually two bloggers I've talked to -her and her husband. She's probably one of the few people too who can comprehend the way I feel sometimes, deep down inside me. So, I'm hoping she'll not take a complete early retirement but maybe just a blogging vacation and then, return soon, bigger and better than ever. I sure hope so anyway, cause Barb, I already miss your not being around to read and comment and post goofy "quickies" and some darned good, serious material posts too!

I think this will pass for me -it has in the past anyway. Well, okay -granted it's never gone away completely but after a while, the fog lifts away from some of the mental junk and I come back to life till the next go-round.

But until it lifts, just don't expect much from this end of my little world.


terri said...

I can sure sympathize with what you're going through. You do have a lot on your plate, and I've often wondered how you do it all. I can't blame you at all for feeling down with all the demands life places on you.

For the record, I love getting comments from you. I love those wordy paragraphs you leave after reading one of my posts. Your comments tell everyone that you really read their words and cared enough to leave a thoughtful response.

I wish I could offer some magical cure for your depression. Having been there myself, I know there's nothing you can do but ride it out and hope it passes quickly.


Palm Springs Savant said...

Jennifer- the most important thing is to remember is you are not alone! Sometimes it may seem like the grass is greener but everyone has things that get you down. The most important update is to find happiness in who you are. Try not to focus on what is out of your control.

hang in there!

Mahala said...

I understand how you feel about the weight, your health, being broke.. honestly I do. Take a deep breath. Soon it will warm up outside, the flowers will begin to bloom and your world will fill with color again. It won't make you rich, it won't make you skinny, but it might give you a sense of hope that wheels keep turning, the seasons keep changing and everything moves in a cycle.. and there is hope.


Mahala said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Minnesotablue said...

Jeni: I'm so sorry you are feeling so blue. Although it may not be much consolation, I think many of us have looked back on our lives and wished for something better than what we have .
When you aren't sleepimg well, have medical issues and feel lonely it is no wonder you feel blue. Depression sometimes feels like a big black hole that we can't escape but then something good happens to us and we are able to lift ourselfs up. I wish I could be there with you but since I can't, let me give you just a small piece of advice.
Take time for yourself. We all love our families but sometimes we need space from them and sometimes without meaning to, they forget that maybe you don't want to cook a meal or take care of grandchildren. If taking time for yourself means shutting the door, reading a book all alone or just chilling out alone, do it! You are so talented in your writings,and have such stories to tell you should start a book about different episodes in your life cause with your sense of humor you would do great.
My oldest daughter hooked up through the net that asked her to do reviews on the lastest books. Maybe something like that. Take care friend, I think of you daily Pat

The Shack said...

Wow Jeni you're sounding a little like how I feel at least some of time. One thing that works for me is exercise...either doing something inside or better yet going out and walking around. As far as work is concerned can I suggest medical transcriptionist. Yes there are a lot of work at home scams out there but if you can get hooked up with a reputable one you can do well. I know a gal that makes pretty good money doing it. You have a computer, an internet connection, and I'll bet you're a good typist. That's pretty much all you need.

Misty Dawn said...

((((((HUGS))))))) I fight with the evil depression monster on a regular basis too.

and, I miss Barb's blog too.

Barb said...

Hey Jeni,

Misty pointed me to this post. (I don't have anyone's URL's anymore. Sheesh.. didn't think about that now did I?)

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this right now. I spent the last week or so trying to figure things out for myself and I still haven't found any real answers, so I surely can't offer up any advice.

I can however let you know that I ♥ you and until I get blogging again, you can email me allll you want! :)

Barb said...


I had wanted to post Peggy Lee singing "Is That All There Is" last week, but I didn't think anyone else would even know the song. Damn being old sucks. (Better than the alternative, though.)

Travis said...

I'm sorry you're in a funk. Hopefully it's a short one.

In the meantime, hang in there and take whatever joys you can find in the things around you.


SnoopMurph said...

We all need a break sometimes, even from the things we truly enjoy. All of your blogger friends (myself included) are understanding and of course, look forward to your posts as they come. There are many weeks (this one in fact!) where I do not blog because life just saps the creative energy out of me.

I wish you better health and certainly if I lived closer, I'd love to hang with you! Your comments are wonderful-I love every last word. You just hang in there and remember anytime you feel out of breath-that's all of us just sending you a enormous squeezy hug!! :)

Danielle Sends You A Heartfelt Hug said...

Oh Jeni...I have been this way before also. I wish we lived next door to each other...wouldn't that be fun ;)You are correct...this too shall pass...often not as fast as we would like. Until then keep a gratitude journal on your nightstand and make sure you write one thing in it every night. It helps me to 'remember' when I get down.

Dottie said...

(((HUGS))) Depression stinks doesn't it. I deal with it way more than I'd like to. It's tough because it seems it's one of those things I cannot control. It just comes on whenever it feels...when I least expect it. I hate those funks. I'm sorry you're feeling blue and hope that things look up real soon.

P.S. I miss Barb and her blog too.

Vic, the Cariboo Ponderer said...

I can empathize with you Jeni. I have been feeling a bit the same with the blogging lately but I don't think I would want to delete my blog either but I am taking a bit of time away from it.

I think you give of yourself so much in you home life that it must be time to take a break but I suppose that is not really possible for you. I am always amazed about how much patience and energy it must take to look after little ones. I don't think I could do it any more or want to.

You do need a life of your own though. I am a fine one to talk I am reclusive like you and spend most of my time alone. I sometimes wonder if I am wasting my life away, one would assume I might have another 25 to 30 years left if I am fortunate but doing what. I think these thoughts must be common to our age group Jeni, we hate to waste the remainder of our lives but haven't the energy to do much about it.

I read about retired people going off on short mission trips and doing interesting things, but I always think that would take too much out of me.

You are doing something really significant though helping your family on a daily basis. It might not seem like much to you but I bet it is everything to them.

Keith said...


I hope this trial that you're going through passes quickly. You are a loving and caring person. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You are the shining light to your grandkids and your entire family is lucky to have you.

Money and/or relationships don't necessarily buy happiness. I pray that you will receive grace, peace and comfort as you work your way through this season you are going through.


Singing Owl said...

I'm so sorry. (((((((jeni))))))
Praying for you.