I don't know why but lately I'm just not into ANYTHING. My energy levels are in dire need of some amphetimines -send some dexitrin or deximil or whatever the new drug of choice is for a quick high! (I could really go for a nice "Christmas Tree.") I know part of the problem is my sleep pattern -which is basically non-existant but it isn't really that I don't get sleep - just don't get enough straight through to do any real good.
But I don't have any zip about other things now either. I have no desire to cook or bake and if I didn't have to cook supper most every day for the family, I would or could be perfectly content to live on eating toasted bagels with butter and cream cheese and follow that meal with a couple of peanut butter eggs for dessert. Maybe if I just ate the bagels and topping and skipped eating supper (on the days I actually do cook), it would provide some weight loss -much needed weight loss I might add -and that might perk me up a little bit then. The girth is something that does drag me down a good bit - literally and figuratively.
I read the blogs on my reader and even though I rarely read a post I don't enjoy, I don't usually have any impetus to post a comment. So not like me to do that! Usually, other bloggers probably cringe when they see my name on a comment as writing a mini-novel in the comments section sometimes does seem to appeal to me.
Even writing posts doesn't hold any real appeal to me a lot of the time. Other than trying to figure a way to tie in something to some cute picture of my grandkids or some comment Miss Maya made yesterday or the day before, I'm just not there, for lack of a better way to describe it.
I'm bored. I'm broke most of the time -except for about around the 3rd of every month and for may up to two or three days after that date. (That's when my SS check arrives ya know.) I know too part of my problem stems from another factor, one that I deal with periodically -it has it ebbs and flows -and that's depression.
I have a new health concern now -which I had hoped I would have some more idea as to what is going on, what my doctor recommends - by now, but I don't. I had an appointment last week with a surgeon -had to see him because my routine CAT scan revealed I have a hernia. He's not sure if doing surgery to repair the hernia is the best route to take since he says they frequently return when one has a colostomy - or if maybe doing a reversal of the colostomy might be the better choice to make. Either way, it's going to involve I guess some major abdominal surgery and I really don't want to go through that again either.
I'm a recluse too and that depresses me and yet, there aren't many things that will get me forced into dragging my fat self out of the house and into the public much of the time. I've not always been reclusive -used to love to just pick up and go, whenever, wherever I wanted to go -well, within a lot of boundaries placed there always by economics. God, I HATE economics! Well, mainly I just hate being financially repressed and stressed all my damned life.
I am depressed because I am unable to work now. No, that's not totally true as there are some things I think I could do however, finding an employer who would allow me to try to work at some of the things I am capable of doing -well, that's the real depressing thing there! In this area, the only employers who think I have a talent to do anything in their place are those who would require that I be able to be very physically active and that, well that I CAN'T do! I have physical issues that do interfere in that respect. I'd like to think I can still think, still function somewhat, semi-intellectually, that I have some modicum of intelligence still left in my pea brain but apparently that aspect all left me many, many years ago. Apparently it left me before I managed to go to college, get a B.S. at the grand old age of 50 but because most of my work experience prior to going to college involved either lovely food service or menial office work, how could I possibly be expected then to be qualified to use this lovely degree I'd acquired -at massive expense covered by massive student loans too! That is a really bitter pill for me to swallow -well it was after I graduated in 1994 and 14 years later, the bitterness still has not dissipated for me. But no, of course, there is no such thing as Age discrimination is there?
My social life - never one to set the world on fire to begin with - is totally non-existent these days. The last relationship I had ended 10 years ago this year and to be honest, there isn't a day that goes by, still, that I don't think about him and wonder what the hell happened there? Now, with the medical issues I have had over the past five years, the weight problems, even the sleep issues too that contribute much, I know, to my general feelings -physical and emotional alike -much as I'd like to be able to meet someone and even just have a friendship-relationship -nothing more than that - there's never been anyone in this area, in the village, the township or even within the county -that is now or was interested in the past in cultivating that type of relationship with me. (That's gospel there -every relationship I ever had was with someone from well away from this area!)
There is a term for some of these feelings - I can't remember now the name of the theory but it's a psychological theory posited years ago by some shrink, that some people believe this, therefore this will happen, then that will happen. Ok, I just remembered the name of the theory - the "ABC Theory" just can't remember the name of the guy who wrote it up. (I need to dig out some of my old textbooks and re-read his position about that I guess.)
Don't get me wrong when I say this -those of you who have been reading my blog know how I feel about my grandchildren - especially Miss Maya and the little Duke, Kurtis too - as well as my older grandson and my kids too - I love each of them dearly, would do anything within my power to help them in any way possible too. But -yeah, there's always a freaking "but" to everything, isn't there -part of me says to me "Isn't there maybe just a little bit more to life too?"
Tonight, I saw while reading my faves that one of my all-time favorite bloggers has gone into seclusion -took done her blog, she did! I hate to see that happen because she's been one of the bloggers who has been with me shortly after I started my blog and I really enjoy her place. She's the only fellow blogger I've ever spoken to on the phone too - well actually two bloggers I've talked to -her and her husband. She's probably one of the few people too who can comprehend the way I feel sometimes, deep down inside me. So, I'm hoping she'll not take a complete early retirement but maybe just a blogging vacation and then, return soon, bigger and better than ever. I sure hope so anyway, cause Barb, I already miss your not being around to read and comment and post goofy "quickies" and some darned good, serious material posts too!
I think this will pass for me -it has in the past anyway. Well, okay -granted it's never gone away completely but after a while, the fog lifts away from some of the mental junk and I come back to life till the next go-round.
But until it lifts, just don't expect much from this end of my little world.