This past week was a bit of a wild ride. Problems erupting that sent our worries over the edge about or mortgage and financial picture had me so worked up that I felt the need to dip into the prescription my doctor had given me about 3 months ago when I felt this type of anxiety and subsequent forms of depression creeping back into me. Well, actually, this stuff didn't creep, it came barreling in and just about knocked me for a loop.
Thankfully, the xanax did what it was made to do - brought me enough calmness that I could function without totally blowing up at everyone around me and being able to stop and try to think things through in a calmer, much more logical fashion.
It took a few days - a lot of fears and tears surfacing too in the process -but we did finally manage to pull ourselves together to the point we are very near to acquiring the amount needed now to get the mortgage out of arrears and start the new year off on not a great footing, but at least on somewhat level playing field. The hard part will be adhering to what is needed - good communications for openers between Mandy and me when things are slipping a bit so we can work to keep that from getting out of control. I firmly believe we can do this and get bills paid so not are they current but paid off in some instances.
But today, although when I awoke this morning, I felt fine as the day passed and night came, I started getting that sick feeling - not nausea or anything like that - but a nervous tension I know all too well now from years of coping with depression. It was coming back and I don't want to be here welcoming it with open arms. I want to get a grip on it now, tell it to be gone - or as said in MacBeth -"Out damned spot out I say!"
I need to do some things to break out of some of my cycles that sometimes put me in this position - my disorganizational abilities need to at least be curbed if not remedied to the point that they are gone and I definitely need to stop procrastinating! It's been a while since I started writing the little articles I do for the West Branch Review and in the beginning and really, for the first year and a little over that, when Teresa gave me a suggestion for a topic for an article, she knew I would knock myself out and have it to her well before the deadline she had put in most cases. Once in a while I would have something that I cut close to the wire, but generally I had a good grasp on what I wanted to put in my piece and where to go for my story information too. That's something I haven't been doing for over a year now - part of that comes from picking up some of Teresa's style of putting off and putting off but I can't say it is her fault because I am the one responsible for this, not her. I am the one who can regain the control over that part of my writing and I need to really sit down and take the time - organize my time itself better - to work on those things.
But that isn't the thing that caused me to start floating in a downhill direction today. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can put a finger on that is bringing this uncomfortable feeling back into my life, into my mind. So how do I tackle this when it is still basically an unknown causing this?
My first response -to those who don't believe in the power of one substance - may seem far fetched to them, but to others, who like me, do believe in a Higher Power, I shall make sure I pray for mine to come and take charge of my problems.
That doesn't mean I am copping out. It just means they are stronger than I am now, they are trying to drag me down and if I place my faith in my Higher Power, He will then guide me, lead me where I need to be and I will once again be on a firm ground and can then handle things from there.
I need to stop worrying and remember how to "THINK" - clearly, logically, looking at more than what I currently see as the only path and not be rigid in my concepts there. I must unloose those chains starting to try to tangle me up in them that can, if not brought into check now, take months, even years, to eliminate them and return me to a good, calm and peaceful frame of mind.
I need to revert back to taking all the pleasure I can from the smallest things that life brings that are good and beautiful and give so much pleasure to me when I let it - my family! I need to breathe deeply, let the beauty of my grandchildren saturate me once more -let their sweetness their beauty, angelic looks (when behind some of their actions and in their eyes, you can see the devilish looks shining through) and enjoy these things for the short time they last too! All too quickly, they will be so much older and those sights and feelings of joy and pleasure from just being able to sit and stare at them and sense what a wonder God has given to my children and to me with these grandchildren.
I have very little with which to do special things with them - the things they might enjoy that do cost a lot of money - but if I think about this in the true, proper and pure manner I should be employing, I will return to the realization that the best things in life are really free and for me, that is simply watching them grow and remembering how Kurtis changed this day or Maya on that day and recording that so I can return later and remind myself how beautiful this was to watch them unfold, little by little, into the best and most loving children they can possibly be.
To have them give hugs, kisses, nose rubs - there are some of the greatest gifts God can ever give us and even more special when they come from the heart of a little child. It carries us a much longer way ultimately, than would buying an expensive toy and have the child tire of it in less than a day.
It returns the joy of life, of seeing, hearing, sensing, knowing this is the best thing God has ever given directly to me, to my life, and I need to remember how short and fragile the moments are and to file them in my mind (and in my journal) to remember them now and for always.
Showing posts with label love and peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love and peace. Show all posts
Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Changing Things
Yesterday and Tuesday evening were two very upsetting tomes for me in recent time and really, in a long, long time for that matter, Anytime I feel I have to resort to taking some kind of meds to restore some little bit of calm to me, is not a good time as I generally try to avoid things like that as muc as possible! I hate relying on drugs of ant type whatsoever.
I profess to having one drug - of my choice - to use to alleviate a lot of my stress issues but even the nicotine wasn't doing diddly squat for me so I dug out the prescription in this case. No, it didn't cure my problems over night, no bigcheck has magically appeared, no visit from Ed McMahon from Publisher's Clearing House, no winning powerball lottery ticket either.
But, I am much more relaxed, have restored a bit of peace, quiet and ease in my head and heart since I wrote that entry.
It helped a lot that I took the xanax - took a big part of the edginess away for a while. Lortabs to keep the damned shingles pain at bay, ever so slightly, helped too as did a pretty good solid sleep! Something I haven't had all that much of lately, being the good old SOUND, SOLID sleep!
Now, I have to throw in here something else that happened yesterday which had a positive impact on me, my thought processes too. Both things arrived in the mail yesterday and although at first sight, I was happy, impressed with both, but didn't look beyond that initial impact of these items either.
One came in a certified letter - and no, it wasn't from a bill collector either. The other arrived in a smallish package. The certified letter contained a gift card to Walmart from a couple who have been very close, good friends of mine, my family, for well over thirty years although they have been living in Florida for the past 27 years now. They are my son's Godparents and as such, always tried to do something for my son for his birthday, Christmas and one year, even purchased a round-trip air ticket for him to fly to Tampa and spend three weeks with them! Last year, they surprised me with a gift card to Walmart and I had no idea how much was on the card but needed a few odds and ends in the way of groceries so took the card with me figuring I would just apply it to my purchases and make up the balance from my checking account. To my surprise, the amount on that card was well over what I needed for my few groceries that night and we used it for about two months after the holiday for a supplemental means to get a few extras that way.
Now, I don't have a clue as yet, how much is on this card, but if it even alleviates slightly from using the checking accounts to purchase groceries, little things even just this week, it will be a big help!
The second item I received came from a very dear friend and her husband in Ohio. Upon opening it, there were five CD's that her husband - a true sweetheart he is as is his wife - of Christmas music - and of just about every possible carol or secular song you can think of in that category. That he had taken the time to make up these five cd's labeled them very nicely as to the selections on each cd - was such a special gift to me. Yes, it brought tears to my eyes when I saw what this was, still does as I sit her now listening to these beautiful songs and it re-instills the meaning of the season inside me. Christmas music is some of the most beautiful ever written (ok, my opinion there) and whether it is a purely instrumental version of a carol or White Christmas or whatever, or is a vocal rendition to which I sit and sing along to the cdt, it is a reminder of what the season itself is for, how much it means to me and especially how much I treasure the friendship of this couple for having thought to provide me with this much music, this means of hearing such meaningful songs and the words and in the doing, relaxing my mind, helping to clear away more of the fog the bad things of those two days had begun to push down into me.
Although I did make some phone calls as suggested by the lady from the mortgage company - avenues to look into that might possibly be able to help us, to give a little bit of assistance no matter how large or small that would make our problem here begin to downsize. And no, I didn't get any help from the agencies because they, like us and so many others across the country are also in major binds because so many people are in predicaments where they can't find a means to donate to help the agencies.
I did get some information from one agency though - and if things reach the point where the foreclosure actually begins, we can then contact them (HUD Housing via the fed'l govt.) to apply for a mortgage relief program. She was not all that encouraging as she told me that unfortunately only about 20% of those who apply for this help get approval, but because the process takes roughly 6 months to complete, in that time span, it does give the person a chance to perhaps catch up on other smaller bills, get them out of the way and better able then to work on staying current with things like mortgages, fuel bills and the like. No, it also doesn't make the arrearages with the mortgage disappear either - DRATS on that - but if approved, those figures are added into the new mortgage which is guaranteed to the bank by the federal government then. It's something positive then that could come from getting a foreclosure notice at any rate.
Sitting here, feeding my little grandson his bottle, listening to the carols on the cds also brought it home to me that I DO have MANY, MANY blessings in my life for which I am thankful daily but yet, don't really acknowledge them as such at the time.
Listening to the words of "Away in a Manger" as I hold little Kurtis, kissing him softly on his soft skin, his downy hair, made me hold him that much closer to me and say quiet prayers of thankfulness that he is a part of my life today. Watching the granddaughter struggle against my suggestions of taking a nap but finally, curling up on the couch with her binky, her special blanket, allowing me to put another handmade afghan made for her by another very dear friend and having her suddenly reach up to me and offer a hug - something she isn't usually one to do things like that - and it reinforced again, my good fortune that she is also here with me!
And yes, all these other obnoxious problems then tend to melt into the background and tell me they must be dealt with but it is not simply because the mortgage company holds the upper hand with me, with us, but rather that these two little beings are what counts and they are the reason we must and can work to find solutions to the issues at hand. And thinking of them as we do that makes it an act done of love, not anger that we screwed up the finances or other factions created some of the setbacks, but we - through the Grace of the Almighty also have the means to deal with this in a much more positive manner and all because of these two little children.
All of this reminds me that 2000 years ago God sent his Son to the world as a light for our way and in the past three years, he has sent these two beautiful little creatures for us to care for, to enjoy watching them grown, to laugh at their antics even when some of their tricks aren't exactly funny at the moment, but to see the humor of them after the fact.
They are my light and as such, are a reflection of God's Light to me, then, now and always.
Peace!
I profess to having one drug - of my choice - to use to alleviate a lot of my stress issues but even the nicotine wasn't doing diddly squat for me so I dug out the prescription in this case. No, it didn't cure my problems over night, no bigcheck has magically appeared, no visit from Ed McMahon from Publisher's Clearing House, no winning powerball lottery ticket either.
But, I am much more relaxed, have restored a bit of peace, quiet and ease in my head and heart since I wrote that entry.
It helped a lot that I took the xanax - took a big part of the edginess away for a while. Lortabs to keep the damned shingles pain at bay, ever so slightly, helped too as did a pretty good solid sleep! Something I haven't had all that much of lately, being the good old SOUND, SOLID sleep!
Now, I have to throw in here something else that happened yesterday which had a positive impact on me, my thought processes too. Both things arrived in the mail yesterday and although at first sight, I was happy, impressed with both, but didn't look beyond that initial impact of these items either.
One came in a certified letter - and no, it wasn't from a bill collector either. The other arrived in a smallish package. The certified letter contained a gift card to Walmart from a couple who have been very close, good friends of mine, my family, for well over thirty years although they have been living in Florida for the past 27 years now. They are my son's Godparents and as such, always tried to do something for my son for his birthday, Christmas and one year, even purchased a round-trip air ticket for him to fly to Tampa and spend three weeks with them! Last year, they surprised me with a gift card to Walmart and I had no idea how much was on the card but needed a few odds and ends in the way of groceries so took the card with me figuring I would just apply it to my purchases and make up the balance from my checking account. To my surprise, the amount on that card was well over what I needed for my few groceries that night and we used it for about two months after the holiday for a supplemental means to get a few extras that way.
Now, I don't have a clue as yet, how much is on this card, but if it even alleviates slightly from using the checking accounts to purchase groceries, little things even just this week, it will be a big help!
The second item I received came from a very dear friend and her husband in Ohio. Upon opening it, there were five CD's that her husband - a true sweetheart he is as is his wife - of Christmas music - and of just about every possible carol or secular song you can think of in that category. That he had taken the time to make up these five cd's labeled them very nicely as to the selections on each cd - was such a special gift to me. Yes, it brought tears to my eyes when I saw what this was, still does as I sit her now listening to these beautiful songs and it re-instills the meaning of the season inside me. Christmas music is some of the most beautiful ever written (ok, my opinion there) and whether it is a purely instrumental version of a carol or White Christmas or whatever, or is a vocal rendition to which I sit and sing along to the cdt, it is a reminder of what the season itself is for, how much it means to me and especially how much I treasure the friendship of this couple for having thought to provide me with this much music, this means of hearing such meaningful songs and the words and in the doing, relaxing my mind, helping to clear away more of the fog the bad things of those two days had begun to push down into me.
Although I did make some phone calls as suggested by the lady from the mortgage company - avenues to look into that might possibly be able to help us, to give a little bit of assistance no matter how large or small that would make our problem here begin to downsize. And no, I didn't get any help from the agencies because they, like us and so many others across the country are also in major binds because so many people are in predicaments where they can't find a means to donate to help the agencies.
I did get some information from one agency though - and if things reach the point where the foreclosure actually begins, we can then contact them (HUD Housing via the fed'l govt.) to apply for a mortgage relief program. She was not all that encouraging as she told me that unfortunately only about 20% of those who apply for this help get approval, but because the process takes roughly 6 months to complete, in that time span, it does give the person a chance to perhaps catch up on other smaller bills, get them out of the way and better able then to work on staying current with things like mortgages, fuel bills and the like. No, it also doesn't make the arrearages with the mortgage disappear either - DRATS on that - but if approved, those figures are added into the new mortgage which is guaranteed to the bank by the federal government then. It's something positive then that could come from getting a foreclosure notice at any rate.
Sitting here, feeding my little grandson his bottle, listening to the carols on the cds also brought it home to me that I DO have MANY, MANY blessings in my life for which I am thankful daily but yet, don't really acknowledge them as such at the time.
Listening to the words of "Away in a Manger" as I hold little Kurtis, kissing him softly on his soft skin, his downy hair, made me hold him that much closer to me and say quiet prayers of thankfulness that he is a part of my life today. Watching the granddaughter struggle against my suggestions of taking a nap but finally, curling up on the couch with her binky, her special blanket, allowing me to put another handmade afghan made for her by another very dear friend and having her suddenly reach up to me and offer a hug - something she isn't usually one to do things like that - and it reinforced again, my good fortune that she is also here with me!
And yes, all these other obnoxious problems then tend to melt into the background and tell me they must be dealt with but it is not simply because the mortgage company holds the upper hand with me, with us, but rather that these two little beings are what counts and they are the reason we must and can work to find solutions to the issues at hand. And thinking of them as we do that makes it an act done of love, not anger that we screwed up the finances or other factions created some of the setbacks, but we - through the Grace of the Almighty also have the means to deal with this in a much more positive manner and all because of these two little children.
All of this reminds me that 2000 years ago God sent his Son to the world as a light for our way and in the past three years, he has sent these two beautiful little creatures for us to care for, to enjoy watching them grown, to laugh at their antics even when some of their tricks aren't exactly funny at the moment, but to see the humor of them after the fact.
They are my light and as such, are a reflection of God's Light to me, then, now and always.
Peace!
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