Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Replacement of Thought

That -my title for tonight -is exactly what I've been trying to do within myself this evening. Replacing thoughts and hoping for a change of space, mind, attitude, all those things and then some! I've decided that I have to try to do something to change the only person, the only thing, I can change and that would be me, that would be my life as well. Today, on my way back home from my appointment with the psychologist, I picked up a couple inexpensive DVDs on sale at Walmart. Got two movies -"The King's Speech" -which I wanted to see and also, "J. Edgar" that I think sounds like a good movie -the kind I tend to like anyway. I also got a dvd of a large collection of episodes from the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson along with a dvd of Season 2 from "3rd Rock From the Sun" -which has to be one of the silliest tv sitcoms ever and I was figuring maybe the combo of the TOnight show clips and the 3rd Rock from the Sun would help me to find a little humor to my life tonight. Today's visit with the counselor went quite well, as those things go, that is. It's still very new my seeing this counselor so today I was to turn in some "surveys" he had given me to fill out -about my issues, my thoughts, feelings, etc., etc., -all that happy poppycock, you could say so he could then try to get a bead on what's going on in this mish-mash of thoughts, feelings and attitudes within my pea brain. He quantified my level at being a "37" score and informed me that my own self-diagnosis of being very depressed was very accurate. Wonder how I knew that? Probably because the feelings and thoughts and ideas that have permeated me for several years now have become much deeper seated and very much stronger especially over the past year now. So now, I have a goal for my life -to bring my score down to some single digit number -below 10, ya know! So tonight, I thought since it will be the first time in many, many years that I have spent New Year's Eve totally alone, that I would try to occupy my mind, my fingers a bit too -and work on some simple crochet projects. Well, that wasn't working very well for me as my level of concentration was very unfocused -at least not on anything positive. Ever get the feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that you either are extremely hungry but for what, you can't figure that out, or that you just want to sit and cry but you really don't know what it is you are feeling the need to shed some tear over? That's been my frame of mind tonight. So, I decided to have a little substance that I don't usually indulge in -some Riunite Pink Lambrusco! I'm not really much for wine -except I have been known in my past life to enjoy some really fine wines -under the Boone's Farm Label. Yes, I do like that fine cheap apple wine they made (or still make) or the Strawberry Hill stuff or even Mountain Grape but I'm more of an apple or strawberry wine girl myself! So, glass of wine in hand -which led to my pouring a couple more glasses of the stuff I have here -and responding to a comment a reader had made on a recent post I'd made on my blog and lo and behold, the wine did its thing! It opened up the tear ducts that allowed the tension in the rest of my body then to start to dissipate! No, I'm not advocating alcohol as the end all do all elixer to eliminate stress and problems (usually alcohol tends to illuminate and exaggerate those issues) but for tonight, the fact it loosened me up enough to get rid of most of the feelings I was having that involved the need to just sit and cry -well, that was a good thing in my book. So now, I just polished off another hot dog - no sauerkraut involved tonight though -and have switched over to my normal substance of choice when I do indulge in a drink or too -having a nice big (pounder) can of Busch light beer! Yes, I do have exquisite taste buds when it comes to my favorite alcoholic beverages, don't I? Busch beer, Boone's Farm Wine and hot dogs -hell of a combination that would be. THe Riunite is a very drastic attempt at showing I might actually have a little bit of class left in me -not much, but maybe a smidgen or so, ya know! Oh Hell, who am I trying to kid there! I'm just an old country broad who prefers cheap booze -mainly because I've become accustomed to it simply out of financial necessity! I could however, really go for a nice plate of Oysters Rockefeller and wash that down with either a really good Rob Roy, or a Black Russian or perhaps a really tasty Harvey Wallbanger. Nah! Just keep the beer stocked and thing will eventually all come out in the wash tomorrow along with the tears and strands of hair I pulled out while sitting in a corner drinking and crying in my brew! Much better results for me that way! Peace and have a very Happy New Year!


Kat said...

I'm so glad that you are going to a counselor. Just being able to talk things out really helps tremendously.
And you're right, many times alcohol makes whatever emotion you are feeling stronger (is your are sad alcohol can make you depressed, etc) but I'm very happy to see that it helped you get some of your emotions out. I must admit it has worked like that for me in the past as well. ;)

I hope 2014 brings peace and comfort and happiness not only to you but to your entire family as well. Happy New Year!

terri said...

I think that seeing a counselor is a good idea. You've stated often enough that you tend to struggle with things going on in your life and the corresponding emotions. You've had a tough year and deserve some relief from the stress and depression. I hope 2014 is a happier year for you, my friend.

Jocelyn said...

I agree with the other commenters: it's wonderful that you're opening up that deep dark well and allowing a professional to look into it with you, to sort things out. Deep depression is serious stuff, so keep digging, m'dear.

Personally, I think having some wine and a good cry are AMAZING ways to help dissipate that angst in your gut. I have felt exactly as you describe, and the only thing that helps is a deep cry--sometimes lubricated by a bit of the hard stuff. In its way, this is a healthy approach.

2014 is going to shed some sun on you. I just know it.