To Rest, To Sleep...

I know, I know -I betcha at least a third of my posts over the past year or so have had something in them about my weird, goofy sleep patterns or about how the little grandson had kept me up and awake half the night or some such event that "robbed" me of getting a good night's sleep.

Well, here it is now almost 4:30 a.m. -on a Sunday morning -and yes, I'm awake. Been awake since a little after 1 a.m. too. But prior to that I had a really nice long -like four hours worth -snooze in the good old recliner! Not too shabby, is it? As I mentioned I think earlier this week, normally I don't sleep longer than four hours at a clip much of the time, then I may be up for the better part of the 24-hour period we call a day or sometimes only for an hour or two or four. Whatever.

I fell asleep last night around 8 p.m in the recliner after Maya had come to me -all dressed for bed in her jammies -and crawled up in my lap, wanting to be held and cuddled. It was more than obvious part of this was because Kurt had been fussy -overtired -and Mandy was holding him, getting him to settle down and she was a bit jealous but it was also very obvious she was really tired out too because within about 10 minutes of her laying there with her head on my shoulder, she was out like the proverbial light! And I couldn't keep my eyes open either so we both slept a good, peaceful sleep. Mandy eventually picked Maya up from me and took her out to put her in my bed about 11 p.m. and I promptly drifted back to sleep again.

So, after waking up a little after 1 a.m., I read my e-mails, also read the blog posts that were showing up on my reader, made a comment or two here and there but not many as my mind wasn't really up to having very much to say then.

After that, I washed the dishes that had been piled up on the counter and those Mandy had already put to soak too. I have to snicker to myself about her putting dishes to soak in the dishpan and such because I saw a while back on her Facebook that she had made a comment to a cousin of ours that she absolutely hates it when I put dishes to soak because SHE doesn't ever do that! Hmmm. Me thinks the daughter needs to rethink that comment. She does that stunt every bit as much as I do -kind of the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? Oh well, they got washed anyway -well, almost -I still have the silverware in the pan soaking as the water was still steamy hot and I couldn't deal with it right then to go fishing around the bottom of the dishpan to get the silver out to wash it. That's still on my agenda and will get done shortly.

I debated about making a pot of coffee this early -usually if I am up till the wee hours of the morning, I don't make coffee until oh, about 5 or 6 a.m. But I decided I really wanted something to drink and wanted something warm too, so a pot of coffee was made and I'm now enjoying a nice cup of hot java with a smattering of the dry creamer in the gingerbread flavor. Mmmmm. Tastes darned good too, it does.

About the time I got my coffee and sat down at the computer again, I heard a noise coming from the little character who till then had been sleeping away in his playpen. Ah yes, I am not alone in my wakefulness at this early hour as Kurtis is up and awake with me. Thankfully, he is awake and in a good mood -just indicated to me by making the sign language for "more" and saying it aloud too that he wanted milk so I got him that and gave it to him. I tried to bribe him into giving Gram a hug as his payment but he ignored that request. So I told him to say "thank you" and initially, he just plopped down to start drinking the milk but I pressed him again to say "thank you" and then, he gave me a look, said "ank ou" as much as if to say too "Now, leave me the heck alone will ya!"

On Friday, because of all the turmoil going on here in this house, I didn't get around to participating in my blogger friend Shelly's "Only The Good, Friday" event. Truthfully, on Friday I was having a really difficult time seeing good in much of anything -as those of you who read my stuff regularly are already aware. Today -two days after the fact -I am still working on seeing the good but I do know it's there.

This morning, after checking on my financial status, I figured I could afford to make a small donation to help another blogger friend -Mrs. 4444 -in her "Relay for Life" for the Cancer foundation. This is a cause that is as near and dear to my heart as is the Autism Walk my kids and I are involved in too! How could I not try to find a little bit of money to donate to her team? And I did that! I only wish I could have given more -a whole lot more -to that fund!

Mandy's in a happy place now because Saturday afternoon she and her brother went into town and she was able to get herself a new cellphone! She has the cellphone through her brother's account you see and his contract was up so he got a new contract last week and with it, he got a new phone that has all kinds of extra do-dads and stuff on it. Because of that, she was eligible then to get a new phone too and she was really excited because this one she got has a camera with it. She was showing me some pics on her new cellphone last night and I was amazed at the color and clarity of those pictures there. Really sharp, really a neat and great function, for sure. There are times when I think it might be neat to have my own cellphone too but then I think about that realistically and realize what the heck good would it do me cause where we live, you really can't get service here! I wouldn't be able to use it to call anyone or receive calls here at the house so that would mean I would HAVE to leave the house, go someplace ya know, in order to use it, wouldn't I? And that might be a good thing if in fact it did force me to go places and stop being the big, fat recluse I've become for the bulk of my time over the past several years now. Then I'd probably have to learn how to do the damned "Texting" thing too and I really am not into that either so I think I'll continue to pass on the cellphone deals for now.

I see by the posts another blogger friend has been making of late that it appears the blogosphere has been assisting in the formation of a nice relationship too. Now that's nice. Really and truly, it is and I think it's super that these two -"Red and Doc" -have found a good deal of compatibility via the internet! Beats the hell out of those internet matchmaker sites, don't you agree? Kind of makes me a bit wistful and wishing I could meet someone trustworthy via the blogosphere too. But, seeing as I don't know anyone via my lengthy list of "favorites" who are single -for openers -and who are anywhere near my age too, I don't see that as a viable avenue for me to follow.

Not that I am actively searching for anything like that these days anyway though. I pretty much put that part of my life behind me after the last relationship ten years ago turned into a big emotional debacle for me. I've since decided that I am either not meant to have a good, stable relationship due most likely to the fact that I always seemed to attract only the jackasses and I really don't need any reruns of those things in my life.

It does make me wonder at times though what it would be like to be with someone I cared deeply for and who reciprocated those feelings. Sure would be a big switcheroo for me, that much I can say about that idea. Even if I think back to years ago, when the ex and I were married, that was totally a one-sided affair of the heart as I realized then that his feelings for me were no where near what mine were for him. Not a good path to be on for two people married to each other, is it?

It took me a long time -a very long time -before I came to understand I needed to give a damn about myself too before getting involved with anyone else.

Back in the early-to-mid-eighties, I was seeing one guy for about two years and gave some very serious consideration then to getting married again as well. I thought things looked pretty promising but then he gave me an engagement ring and after that, as I looked at more things involved in our relationship, you should have seen the set of cold feet I developed then over about a 2-3 month period! By the time Thanksgiving of that year rolled around, I had decided there was no way I could subject myself and definitely not my kids, to marriage to that guy and I high-tailed it out and away from him so fast it made his head spin -and mine too! A move though that I have never regretted making either as I realized that his methods of dealing with his two sons and how he reacted and responded to my son, were all too familiar to me as they were almost identical to the way my Mom used to respond to me. Her methods involved my never being able to do a damned thing right and being told that over and over and OVER again until I fully believed her theories that I was and always would be unable to do anything worth a tinker's damn. And I really didn't need that -again.

For several years -like about 14-15 of 'em -I drifted around with involvements -none serious because they always involved people who were already involved with someone else. Not necessarily something I am proud of there, but just relationships simply to be in a "relationship of sorts" I suppose you could say.

And then, from February of 1998 to October of 1998, I found myself involved with someone I'd known for about 17 years through when I'd worked as a waitress at the truckstop down the line from here. We'd been friends when I'd worked there. He was easy to talk to, we enjoyed many of the same things, and as he was recently widowed, he was quite a bit different then compared to others I'd previously seen. My kids -well, my daughters anyway -liked him. My son was in the Army and stationed in Germany then so he really never got to know him. I thought I had actually found someone who returned the feelings I had for him. Then, he retired and after that, he decided he could no longer come from his home in Michigan to see me. Yeah, I know -a long-distance relationship is pretty darned difficult to maintain, isn't it?

I t kind of surprised me when he began to make those excuses about driving that far and all, considering the fact when he had still been working, he thought nothing of getting in after his weekly run, gathering some things and coming over here -a 10-hour drive, one way -to spend his day and a half off here with me. But once he retired and didn't have to rush back and forth, suddenly it was all too difficult to do.

It was then that I made the decision that I was much better off to live out my life alone. Initially, I really didn't WANT to do that but then, the more I thought about it, the more it seemed that it was the best route for me to follow. Think not just twice burned but many times more than that. Who needs that much pain anyway?

I'm still pretty much a diehard romantic deep inside -as I love to see others who find someone they can relate easily and well with and to and am happy, very happy for them. But for me, that just isn't something that's ever fully transpired and at this stage of my life now, it's definitely not ever gonna come to pass as I have way to many other issues that would make me totally uncomfortable about any relationship that went even a little iota beyond just being good friends.

A few years back -after the end of the last relationship -I was having coffee one day with a very good friend -an elderly gentleman who was like a father-figure to me for much of my life -and another guy, originally from here but who I'd met for the first time then. The "new" guy asked me why I'd not remarried, why I was still single and my response to him was that I figured I was probably too much of a liability. At that time, I was primarily referring to my debt levels but since then, having had cancer, several other surgeries, including a colostomy, I think that answer still holds true.

Looks like my thoughts of getting in a little more of a catnap this morning are not going to materialize after all now. Kurtis has finished off the milk I gave him and indicated he wanted something else. So, I got him a banana and gave him half, figuring he'd eat that and if he wanted more, I'd give him the other half. However, as he was chomping down the first half, I heard another voice calling to me too, saying "I WANT some banana too, please!" So, Maya got that other half then. It was quite for a little while till Kurtis began alternating between saying "A-nana" and "OUT" so I gave him half of another banana (A-nana) and again, heard that other voice saying she wanted more banana too! She promised when I gave her more banana that she would go back to sleep. So far, as quiet as she's being, I think that may have happened.

Kurtis, on the other hand, while being quiet now, is far from looking like he's going to go back to sleep soon! Right now, he sitting in the middle of his playpen-bed, counting the furs on his "bear" pillow -which is an absolute necessity for him to have in order to fall asleep! That "Bear" is to him, what Maya's yellow lacy blanket has always been to her -his security thing!

And it's fun to watch him as he tugs on the fur on "Bear" -kind of like watching a monkey groom another monkey, if you get the picture there! Maybe doing that for a while will tire him out soon enough though that he'll want to go back to sleep.

I sure hope so anyway cause I'm now starting to feel the need for a little of that commodity too!

Ah rest, to sleep! Please?